Welcome to 31st Century News

August 5, 3017 - 1

Established in 3017, 31st Century News aims to provide the highest quality local and interstellar news to the inhabitants of the Sol System. Beamed out locally from the heart of Saturn’s artist district on Titan, 31st Century News is tailored […]

PETA Headquarters Overwhelmed by Tribbles

January 1, 3019 - 0

Norfolk, Earth – Earlier today, the governor of Virginia declared a state of emergency when the headquarters of the animal rights group PETA was overwhelmed by an invasive species known on the black market as tribbles. According to PETA spokeswoman […]

Top Critic: 8D Films are Just a Fad!

October 22, 3018 - 0

Siriwood, Sirius System – Controversial film critic, Ulrich van Lome, went on one of his infamous Twitter rants this Thursday afternoon, attacking the major studios for trying to “force this failed 8D technology onto consumers just so they can make […]

New ForeverPups™ Kind Of Annoying After A While

October 8, 3018 - 0

São Paulo, Earth – It’s been one year since the launch of GenTech’s wildly popular ForeverPups™, and sales have dropped off sharply. The line of dogs, which stay in a puppy-like state for their whole lives, has recently seen its rave […]

Archeologist Discovers Amazonia Not Founded By Amazons

January 26, 3018 - 1

Seattle, Earth – Earlier this month, Earl Clint, professor of archeology at the University of Olympus Mons, discovered that Amazonia – the mysterious South American forest nation known for its beautiful but violent women – was not actually founded by […]

Glorm Prices Continue To Fall, Glormmongers “Concerned”

January 21, 3018 - 0

Glormport, Ceres – Glorm prices fell today, continuing a year-long down trend in the glorm markets that is making the General Manager of the Glormmongers Association, Harold Mornay,  “Very concerned.” “I mean, how are we supposed to compete with shplint […]

Man Turns Off AR, Becomes Horribly Depressed

December 31, 3017 - 0

Delaware, Earth – Local loan adjuster, Trenton Hamar, became soul crushingly depressed when he irrationally turned off the Augmented Reality feature of his iPhone 508s.  According to his wife, June, he was struggling with “some existential bulls**t” before he switched […]

Infamous Xenophile Killed by Alien Crabs

December 5, 3017 - 0

Ruby Beach, Gliese 667 Cc – Galaxy-famous human xenophile, Casanova Starlite, was found dead and dismembered on the beautiful ruby sand beaches of Ruby Beach. Starlite – who had vowed to make love with as many different sentient species as […]