Man Comes to Regret Breaking Wind in Spacesuit

April 12, 3019 - 0

Cadillac Spacedock, Jupiter Orbit – Some time during his last shift, extravehicular riveter Doug York was overcome by the urge to pass gas. York resisted for several minutes before eventually giving in and cutting the cheese. “At first, it was […]

PETA Headquarters Overwhelmed by Tribbles

January 1, 3019 - 0

Norfolk, Earth – Earlier today, the governor of Virginia declared a state of emergency when the headquarters of the animal rights group PETA was overwhelmed by an invasive species known on the black market as tribbles. According to PETA spokeswoman […]

Archeologist Discovers Amazonia Not Founded By Amazons

January 26, 3018 - 1

Seattle, Earth – Earlier this month, Earl Clint, professor of archeology at the University of Olympus Mons, discovered that Amazonia – the mysterious South American forest nation known for its beautiful but violent women – was not actually founded by […]

Man Turns Off AR, Becomes Horribly Depressed

December 31, 3017 - 0

Delaware, Earth – Local loan adjuster, Trenton Hamar, became soul crushingly depressed when he irrationally turned off the Augmented Reality feature of his iPhone 508s.  According to his wife, June, he was struggling with “some existential bulls**t” before he switched […]

Thousand Year Old Redwood Tree Has Midlife Crisis

November 1, 3017 - 0

San Francisco, Earth – Today marks the 1000th year anniversary of the planting of famous redwood tree, George. A small ceremony was held at the Muir Woods National Park, but friends of the beloved icon worry about his recent erratic […]

Amateur Geneticist Regrets Reverse Engineering Velociraptor

September 5, 3017 - 0

Ark 14, Venus – Amateur geneticist, Rudolf London, was admitted to Hillman General Hospital this Saturday with severe lacerations and a fractured tibia after a failed attempt to revert his pet ostrich into a velociraptor. “It’s not that hard, really,” […]

Welcome to 31st Century News

August 5, 3017 - 1

Established in 3017, 31st Century News aims to provide the highest quality local and interstellar news to the inhabitants of the Sol System. Beamed out locally from the heart of Saturn’s artist district on Titan, 31st Century News is tailored […]